Why I Don't Play Sports

By Sam Locke

It might surprise you, but I do not despise sports.
While it is true that I don't fully understand them, nor do I watch them alone, sports are one of the few times I enjoy being in a crowd of loud, excitable people. The other times involve a king sized bed, handcuffs, and two panda costumes.
I even played sports as a child, though I learned my ability was quite incompetent. Therefore, to a degree, I tend to shy away from sporting events.

FOOTBALL

In high school I tried out for the football team.
Unfortunately, the same week, I had begun studying anti establishment techniques.
No one seemed to agree with my passive resistance approach to receiving the ball. Though, after having four hundred pounds of people land on me, I had perfected the "dead weight" technique of being removed from an area.

RIBBON DANCING

I was trapped inside a spool of ribbon for two months. I survived by drinking the rainwater that fell between the cracks.

BOXING

Few people know that I was once considered the greatest boxer in the world. Rumor spread that I would be the next champion, and that I might even surpass great boxers such as Cassius Clay or the lesser known Muhammad Ali.
Unfortunately at my first training session, I was hit with an anxiety attack that caused me to pass out before the first punch. It turned out the mafia had posted bets on said training match, expecting me to get a technical knockout for foul language to the ref.
That night three thugs broke into my weight room, stole my gloves and threw them into a wood chipper. I realized I'd never box again.

FLY FISHING

No matter what I did, I couldn't keep my line in the air long enough to attract any flies.

VOLLEY BALL

Volley ball.
The sport of Kings.
Unfortunately as I have no royalty in my bloodline, I am not eligible for any sports of any kings.

TENNIS

My senior year of high school, there were no male tennis players, so the coach was desperate for someone to play. So desperate, in fact, I was asked.
After the first practice, it became obvious that any time I hit the ball, it would shoot directly to the lights above the court, and as it was not a school owned court, the team would have to flee. I still owe fifty dollars in light replacement bills.

HORSE RACING

I was very surprised to find I cannot out run a horse.